When Grief Won’t Let Go ... or Let You Go On
Part of our 10 for when series:
GRIEF
When you’re in the process of understanding grief, healing, and finding meaning after loss.
Learn what grief really looks like, why it isn't linear, common grief symptoms, and practical ways to cope with loss.
Grief doesn't have stages you graduate through.
In fact, It's rarely a straight line. More often, it's something you learn to carry alongside the life you're still living.
This month's 10 for When explores what grief actually asks of us, why healing isn't about "moving on," and how meaning can exist alongside loss.
10 for When is a monthly series dedicated to one mental health topic at a time, offering ten practical resources you can save, share, and return to whenever you need them.
This month’s focus: GRIEF
Grief Is Love That Has Lost Its Place to Go
After the death of his mother, actor Andrew Garfield shared something deeply moving during an interview with Stephen Colbert:
"Grief is all the unexpressed love... I hope this grief stays with me because it's all the unexpressed love that I didn't get to tell her."
For many people, this perspective resonates. For others, it may feel impossible.
When you're in the middle of profound loss, grief rarely feels beautiful. It can feel frightening, exhausting, lonely, or completely disorienting.
Both experiences can be true.
One of the hardest parts of grief is learning that love and pain often exist together. Rather than trying to eliminate grief, healing often involves finding ways to make room for both.
What Is Grief?
The American Psychological Association (APA) defines grief as a response to loss that may involve physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, preoccupation with the past, and apprehension about the future. In some cases, intense or prolonged grief can significantly affect physical health, daily functioning, and mental wellbeing. It may also contribute to self-neglect or suicidal thoughts, making professional support especially important for some people.
Although grief is often associated with death, psychologists recognize that grief can follow any meaningful loss.
Common Signs and Symptoms of Grief
Grief affects people emotionally, mentally, physically, and socially. Common experiences include:
Sadness
Crying
Depression
Anxiety
Panic
Anger
Irritability
Emotional numbness
Dissociation
Isolation
Relief
Joy
Fatigue
Sleep disruption
Changes in appetite
Physical aches or pain
Increased illness
Increased alcohol or substance use
Not everyone experiences every symptom, and there is no "correct" way to grieve.
Grief Doesn't Follow a Straight Line
One of the most common misconceptions about grief is that it follows a predictable sequence.
While many people are familiar with the five stages of grief, grief researchers and clinicians emphasize that these stages are not a checklist or a universal progression. People often move back and forth between different emotions, revisit earlier experiences, or skip stages entirely.
Think less of a staircase and more of a squiggly line.
The original framework was introduced by psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. Although it has since become widely known, the model was originally developed to describe the experiences of people facing terminal illness, not as a roadmap for everyone experiencing bereavement. Today, many clinicians use it as one lens among many for understanding grief.
The commonly discussed stages include:
Shock
"I can't believe this is happening."
Denial
"This can't be real."
Anger
"Why is this happening?"
Bargaining
"What if I had done something differently?"
Depression
"I don't know how to keep living without this."
Reconstruction (sometimes called Testing)
"Maybe I can begin returning to parts of my life again."
Acceptance
"This loss is real, and I can begin learning how to live with it."
Some contemporary grief researchers also describe meaning-making as an important part of long-term adaptation after loss. Rather than replacing grief, finding meaning often involves integrating the experience into your life story, relationships, values, or sense of purpose.
For some people, that might look like:
Since losing them, I've discovered strengths I didn't know I had. I've found ways to support others walking a similar path, and their life continues to shape mine.
Meaning doesn't erase pain. Often, it grows beside it.
Grief Isn't Only About Death
Mental health professionals now recognize that grief can arise after many different kinds of loss, including:
Losing a relationship
Receiving a life-changing diagnosis
Moving away from home
Leaving a career or business
Becoming someone different after trauma or illness
Losing a hoped-for future
Experiencing infertility or pregnancy loss
Watching a friendship slowly fade
Losing a community or meaningful place
Sometimes these losses are invisible to everyone except the person experiencing them.
Personally, I've felt this most while grieving former versions of myself. The person I imagined I'd become. The life I thought I'd have. There wasn't a funeral, a memorial, or even much acknowledgment from others. Yet the grief was real, and I needed support just the same.
Not every loss is visible, but every loss deserves compassion.
Healing Requires More Than Time
One of the most common sayings about grief is that "time heals all wounds."
For many people, that simply isn't true.
Research suggests that healing is supported not only by time, but by actively engaging with grief rather than avoiding it whenever possible.
According to SimplePractice, grief involves active coping: intentionally working with difficult emotions instead of suppressing or ignoring them. Active coping might include:
Talking with trusted friends or family
Journaling
Attending a grief support group
Participating in therapy
Creating rituals that honor the person or loss
Practicing self-care while allowing space for difficult emotions
Healing doesn't mean forgetting. Healing means gradually learning how grief fits into the life you're still living.
When Grief and Joy CAN share the same space
Andrew Garfield offered another thoughtful perspective during a conversation with Elmo on Sesame Street.
Reflecting on missing his mother, he explained that sadness can be a gift because it reminds us how deeply we loved someone. Missing them allows us to remember them, celebrate them, and continue feeling connected.
That captures something grief researchers have increasingly recognized: maintaining an ongoing emotional connection with someone who has died is often a healthy part of adaptation, rather than something that must be left behind.
You don't have to choose between grieving and living. Sometimes they happen at the very same moment.
When Professional Support Can Help
Grief is a natural human response to loss. But sometimes grief becomes so overwhelming that daily life feels impossible.
If your grief is causing persistent difficulty functioning, feels unbearable, or includes thoughts of harming yourself, reaching out to a licensed mental health professional is important. Therapists, psychologists, grief counselors, and support groups can provide tools, perspective, and compassionate support during especially difficult periods.
Seeking help isn't a sign that you're grieving incorrectly. It's one more way of caring for yourself.
Learning to Carry Grief
One helpful reminder is that grief isn't reserved for life's biggest tragedies.
Small disappointments, missed opportunities, and everyday losses also ask us to practice letting go.
Instead of rushing past those moments, consider allowing yourself to notice them. Reflect. Name the feeling. Sit with it for a while.
Building emotional flexibility through smaller losses may strengthen the skills that help us navigate larger ones later. While this isn't a substitute for therapy or formal grief treatment, practicing emotional awareness can increase resilience over time.
A New Normal
Years after his mother's death, Andrew Garfield told Anderson Cooper something that many grieving people understand deeply:
"The grief and the loss is the only vitality to being alive... the wound is the only route to the gift."
Life after loss is different.
Many people describe it not as returning to normal, but discovering a new normal.
A life where grief and joy coexist.
Where memories bring tears one day and laughter the next.
Where moving forward doesn't mean leaving someone behind.
You don't stop loving because someone is gone. You learn new ways to carry that love with you.
if you’re struggling with GRIEF - view our list of 10 for When.
10 for When is your go-to swipe sheet of tools, resources, and support for the moments when the hard stuff shows up, because it will. Consider this your standing invitation to be a little more ready than you were yesterday.
Disclaimer: This blog is not meant as professional advice or counseling. If you are in emotional distress or experiencing thoughts of harm to yourself or others, help is available 24/7:
If in crisis, call 988
Text HELLO to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Text Line counselor
Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1–800–273–8255 (TALK) Spanish & English
Deaf & Hard of Hearing TTY 800–799–4889
Call 911
If you need mental health treatment but cannot afford it, contact Rise Above The Disorder, a 501(c)(3) non-profit dedicated to making mental health care accessible to everyone: YouAreRAD.org
