Safety Starts Within, But Grows in Community
Healing began with seeking solitude, but that was just the beginning
Safety in Solitude
Before I began my healing journey, in addition to struggling physically, mentally, and emotionally, I realized I was so focused on external validation that I didn’t even know whoI was or whatI wanted anymore. I didn’t feel safe to be myself around others.
As an introspective and introverted person, a people pleaser, and someone without any idea how to set a boundary, I decided I needed some separation in order to get back in touch with who I was. After taking a close look at what was serving me well in life and what wasn’t, I decided to quit my job. Once I was able to let go of that attachment, I desired even more separation: I wanted complete isolation.
To make this happen, I decided to take real time off — away from everything I knew. I decided to take a road trip and spend time exploring other places, in search of somewhere new to call home. I wanted to leave behind everything I knew, to disappear and start over somewhere else.
I decided to head north and spend the next few months living out my own version of Eat Pray Love — both a book written by and a film inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert, where the author details her own inward journey back to herself, spending three months in Italy, India, and then Bali.
I started in the Pacific Northwest where I spent a few months travelling through Oregon and Washington, staying in different Airbnbs, driving from one town to another based on where I thought I might like to live, or simply where I might find a fun hike or restaurant. While there I continued doing the work to heal, navigating my identity crisis, and trying to find my purpose in life.
Safety in Self
As I began feeling more grounded in who I was and what I wanted, I decided the next stop on my journey was even farther away — I sold my car and flew to Cape Town, South Africa where I spent time interning at a gender-based violence organization, and living with a family that typically housed volunteers. I spent a decent amount of time on my own while there, searching for what was next for me in life. During this time as I was beginning to get homesick and really miss many of my friends and family members, I was able to recognize that it wasn’t my environment that caused any of my problems — it was my choice to abandon myself, day after day, that was causing me so much turmoil.
But now that I was feeling more confident in who I was and the relationship I was establishing with myself, I was ready to go home: to face all of the things I left behind, and to really learn how to be myself, but not be by myself. And so my journey finally took me back home to Los Angeles where I began a years-long process of working towards allowing myself to be myself, no matter the environment I was in.
I was learning that safety is complicated, in that true safety is not the lack of unsafe people or things around us, but the ability to feel safe within ourselves. True safety within ourselves can only exist when we are willing to risk putting ourselves in situations that may have previously felt *unsafe, trusting ourselves, and also from the support system we have created to be there if we need it. *Please note, I’m absolutely not talking about actual unsafe or abusive situations. I’m referring to situations where your mind knows there is safety, but your body is telling you otherwise.
As an example — enforcing boundaries around working hours at my job. This used to make me feel guilty, and like I wasn’t doing enough. But with the first job I took after this time off, I was able to set boundaries and continually enforce them. And now I’m able to get my work done and feel safe in prioritizing my wants and needs too.
Safety in Community
As I’ve felt more and more safe to be myself within general society, I’ve found myself not only wanting to spend time with the people closest to me, but actually craving more community.
Whereas before when friends or family would try to make plans with me, my body would literally freeze up; this was a sign that this didn’t feel safe to me. The reason I didn’t feel safe was because I didn’t feel like I could be myself.
At the time, I was tired, emotional, reactive, and somewhat depressed. But around some friends and most of my family, I didn’t want to show any of this — though I’m sure I didn’t hide it all that well. I did my best to show up, mask myself, and show off the version of me that I thought everyone wanted. As I was also required to do this at work all day, it felt like too much for my family or friends to expect to see me after work or on my days off — these were the only times I was able to relax and feel how I was truly feeling. At work – and in all my relationships – I was just always trying to fit in, but what I really wanted was to feel like I belonged.
“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
My inability to be myself wasn’t because of the poor relationships with the people around me, it was because of the poor relationship I had with myself. I was afraid that if I showed up as my true self, others would judge me — or worse, try to fix me. The truth was I was projecting that onto them because I was judging me and felt like I needed fixing. Once I was able to heal that relationship, I was ready to work on my relationships with others.
Just in the last week I’ve spent more time with my family and friends than I previously would have over a few months. Because now, I do feel safe to be myself. I can accept that I’m a human being with the full range of human emotions, and I don’t have to hide that from the people in my life. Now, instead of judgment, I meet myself with compassion.
As a result, I want to be surrounded by more people who have great relationships with themselves. With like-minded people around me, I know I’ll continue to grow and develop into the best version of myself that I can be.
Building Community
In addition to being more connected with my friends and family, I am part of online communities, and communities that focus on things I’m interested in — growth, development, writing, reading, etc. Here are just a few suggestions for places to find community:
Local:
Meetup - Website where you can find community based on your interests and location.
Life Church - Find local groups of Christian people to grow spiritually together, and encourage each other through the highs and lows of life.
Yelp! Top 10 - A list of local LA spiritual communities of all kinds.
Worldwide:
Volunteer Match - Find organizations that match your interests and accept volunteers.
Roots Interns - Find internships around the world. (this is the group I worked with to go to Cape Town)
Virtual:
To Be Magnetic - Manifestation program which includes exercises and meditations aimed at nervous system regulation, unblocking your subconscious limiting beliefs and creating new neural pathways in the brain. @tobemagnetic, The Expanded Podcast.
#BookTok - Where TikTok users and creators share and discuss books, authors, and all things related to literature.
Self Healers Circle - Community of like-minded individuals dedicated to healing themselves including tangible, practical steps + healing tools to dive deeper into their journey. Run by Dr. Nicole LePera, @the.holistic.psychologist.
Los Angeles-based:
LA Run Clubs - A complete list of run clubs in Los Angeles.
Los Angeles Hiking Group - Meet others while running, hiking or other exercise get-togethers.
Coffee and Chill - A social wellness club offering cold plunges, coffee, and community in LA.
Best Morning Ever - offering beach yoga and other wellness events in Venice Beach.
The Journey Continues
Healing journeys can look different for everyone. For me, healing began with solitude, but as it continued I was able to develop an incredible relationship with myself, which allowed me to feel safe enough to be sociable again. Throughout this process I’ve learned how to set boundaries, enforcing those boundaries allows me to trust myself, and trusting myself allows me to try new things and meet new people without fear of resorting back to self-abandonment.
This process is not at all linear, and has taken a lot of trial and error, but I’m no longer hiding, no longer running. I’m here — both with myself, and with others. And for me, that is what safety finally feels like.
Disclaimer: This blog is not meant as professional advice or counseling. If you are in emotional distress or experiencing thoughts of harm to yourself or others, help is available 24/7:
If in crisis, call 988
Text HELLO to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Text Line counselor
Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1–800–273–8255 (TALK) Spanish & English
Deaf & Hard of Hearing TTY 800–799–4889
Call 911
If you need mental health treatment but cannot afford it, contact Rise Above The Disorder, a 501(c)(3) non-profit dedicated to making mental health care accessible to everyone: YouAreRAD.org
