Who Am I, Really?

A Personal Guide Through an Identity Crisis:

Shedding All the “Shoulds” that Shouldn’t Be

This seemingly simple question — Who am I? — is one we all ask at some point, and it can be surprisingly hard to answer. 

At our core, we are who we have always been — but that isn't always reflected in how we live. Often our choices reflect who we think we should be, not who we truly are. This perception of ourselves comes as a result of our conditioning, other people’s opinions of us, and our current nervous system state. 

My First Identity Crisis

The first time I seriously asked myself this question was after quitting my job, leaving my home, family, and friends to travel, and taking a break from all psychoactive substances — caffeine, nicotine, alcohol — as I sat by myself in my AirBnB in the Pacific Northwest with nothing but time and solitude at my disposal. 

A seemingly benign question like ‘Who am I?’ suddenly felt impossible to answer. I didn’t have a job to get to, or any obligations to meet. I was in a brand new place where I knew no one, and the only thing on my to-do list was to figure out who I was and what I wanted in my life — and it was daunting. 

It also felt isolating — when you’re not connected to who you are, and all of your usual comforts are missing, what's left is very disorienting. I felt alone, like I wasn’t on solid ground, and I was very unsure of what steps to take to “find” myself.

Re-Discovering Your ‘Self’

Finding your ‘Self’ really just means tuning into who you are at your core. It’s less an outward journey, and more of an internal discovery. It requires a sort of attunement that I at the time was not practiced in. Thankfully I was able to share all of my feelings with my therapist and she suggested some ways to look inward. She sent me an exercise that asked me to explore who I am through my core values. 

As I was working through this sheet, circling the words that resonated most with me, it was also becoming very clear the values I had been prioritizing that didn’t belong to me. Success and achievement? Those were from my dad. Loyalty and cooperation? Those were from mom. Others came from friends, teachers, bosses, and so on. But it was also very clear to me which ones belonged to me, because I knew they had always been there. 

During that time I remembered doing a similar exercise in a career planning course in college. In it we named our top skills, interests, and values – and were encouraged to seek out employment that aligned with all three. One of my top values was work-life balance. Yet somehow, I ended up running a hotel. This was definitely out of alignment with who I am, so no wonder I had been struggling!

A Personal Roadmap for Rediscovering Your — “Self”

I’ve gone through this experience more than once, using different methods and following different techniques. I’m even currently in the midst of another identity journey that I’m hoping will help me connect to a more abundant life. I’ve found that no matter the method, reasoning, or motivation though, they’ve all followed generally similar steps, and each time I get to know myself a little better by remembering who I’ve always been – but might have been too nervous to truly be. Here is the map I’ve followed:

Find Support 

Whether you work with a therapist, have a close friendship or family member, or connect with a mentor, find someone(s) you can trust to support you while you are doing the work to remember who you are. 

Let Go

Figure out what is not serving you in your life and find a way to let it go. This doesn’t have to be all at once – many things take time. But taking the time to release what doesn’t feel aligned is always worth it. 

The letting go phase is where things can feel isolating and disorienting. This is where you rely on your people to support you. And letting go doesn’t mean you have to quit your job and leave all your friends and family behind. Letting go can mean simply saying goodbye to the version of you that you thought you had to be in order to belong. 

Get Curious

Instead of leaning on the open-ended ‘Who am I?’ question, break it down into different categories, and simply explore. 

Ask Yourself:

• What are my values?

• What was my favorite thing to do as a child?

• What activity do I truly miss?

• How do I currently like to spend my time?

• If I didn’t have any barriers (money, obligations, etc.), how would I spend my time?

• Which relationships do I want to prioritize?

• What is no longer serving me?

• Do I feel supported?

Accept Your “Self”

Self-acceptance is one of the most challenging steps because it’s not just about accepting the parts of you that you like – it’s also about recognizing the parts of you that you may not like, and learning to love and accept them too. This requires a great deal of curiosity as well as compassion.

In this phase, it’s important to remember that all of our behaviors are a culmination of our lived experiences, beliefs, thoughts, and feelings. One of the things I had to accept about myself is that I don’t have a healthy relationship with alcohol. It took me a long time to accept this – I was embarrassed and constantly trying to figure out a way to prove that this wasn’t true. I hated this about myself. Looking back though, I started drinking young, before I had learned anything about feeling my feelings, or healthy ways of dealing with my emotions. I had a lot of shame around it. Understanding this, including why I don’t have a healthy relationship with alcohol, and ultimately accepting that I don’t – was life-changing. 

Align Who You Are with How You Live

Move forward in your life by staying in alignment with who you really are, and who you want to be. Do your best not to fall back into your old ways of doing things, while knowing that part of this process will be testing out which parts of your life do and do not work. It isn’t always easy to recognize what aspects feel out of alignment, or more specifically how to choose differently, so patience with yourself is key here. 

Give Yourself Grace

Inward journeys are never linear – they take time, trial and error, and self-compassion. Learning to trust yourself rather than those around you can be difficult, so give yourself a break. The hardest things in life are usually the most rewarding; you can trust that living as your true self will feel new and even uncomfortable at first, but as you settle in, it will feel peaceful and even joyful. 

Enjoy the Discovery

Remember that remembering who we are can be fun! Taking the time to explore parts of yourself you may have forgotten about can feel joyful. This can be done through play, rest, meditation, new friendships, new relationships, and new experiences. There is no one right way – whichever way you choose will be the right way. 

So, who am I?

I’m still discovering that — but the question no longer scares me. It excites me.

The version of me sitting in that AirBnB was completely disconnected from who I truly am. Now, I’m living more and more in alignment with myself — and I welcome the ongoing journey.

No matter where you are on your path — whether you’re just beginning or returning for the third time — know this: you’re not lost.

You’re simply finding your way back to yourself, again and again.

Disclaimer: This blog is not meant as professional advice or counseling. If you are in emotional distress or experiencing thoughts of harm to yourself or others, help is available 24/7:

• If in crisis, call 988

• Text HELLO to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Text Line counselor

• Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

  • 1–800–273–8255 (TALK) Spanish & English

  • Deaf & Hard of Hearing TTY 800–799–4889

• Call 911

• If you need mental health treatment but cannot afford it, contact Rise Above The Disorder, a 501(c)(3) non-profit dedicated to making mental health care accessible to everyone: YouAreRAD.org